Welcome to the dedicated page on this site for my strange cuckball of a wifehusband, Wheatley portal2. Here you will see me talk about pretty much every coherant thought I have about him and why I like him so much.
As a quick recap, Who Is Wheatley?
Wheatley (also known as the "Intelligence Dampening Sphere") is one of the many personality cores that were constructed specifically to be attached to the AI supercomputer, GLaDOS. His role was to "generate a stream of terrible ideas", which in turn would inhibit GLaDOS from thinking correctly, in hopes of slowing her down and preventing another one of her deadly neurotoxin attacks.
Eventually, he was detached from GLaDOS, being replaced with a different core, and was given other jobs to help out with instead.
One of these jobs included being put incharge of the "Extended Relaxation Center", which housed test subjects in a long-term cryogenic stasis before and after they were put through testing courses.
However, what he did to actually manage that entire wing remains unknown.
The Part Where I Talk About How Much I love This Cuckball
God, Where do I start with this guy? He's stupid, He's british, He's a slightly offputting metal ball, He's probably nonbinary but he has a job so he doesn't really care about that right now.
I've been a wee bit crazy about him for nearly 2 years now, and It's kind of funny to think about how this all started because of an impulse Portal 2 stream event hosted by my good friend. And I have a feeling i'm going to be stuck to Wheatley like a leech for many more years of my life.
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Despite all this, I really could not tell you what drew me to him in such a way. It very literally happened over night. But regardless, I do consider, and have always considered him as looking rather cute, so there's a good lead right off the bat. The way he's animated, and the amount of detail Valve put into his model and animation drive me crazy, I could honestly stare at him and his innerworkings for days, If my body did not require maintainence on a day to day basis. Sad!
Wheatley is also an extremely rare case of hysteria for me. I can usually be quite deranged about the characters I like, but I have not felt things this strong towards a character [or anyone in general] until this goddamn ball came along.
I always assumed my lack of attraction to anyone was due to me being both asexual and aromantic, but look's like SOMEONE decided to be a complete anomaly to this. It also made it far harder than it needed to be for me to pinpoint that what I feel for Wheatley is not just a combination of autism and 5 additional ambiguous disorders, but rather love that is true and beautiful. Now that i've completely accepted this, I've honestly been having the time of my life. I guess that would make me fictoromantic? fictosexual? whatever the term is, there's no denying that I am extremely gay for this moronic sphere, as embarassing as that might sound.
I truly and fully believe that I am one of the few motherfuckers on the planet that can truly handle this cunt. You might find him somewhat annoying, and I agree, he is, But I find that extremely endearing regardless. If I took him to a shitty pub in bumfuck nowhere at 12am I could successfully fix him, i'm being so serious here. He is the type of bloke to be found there, it's his natural habitat that he has been forcefully removed from. Okay, this is getting a bit incomprehensible now, but I'm sure you understand what I'm getting at.
I also say this in the sense that due to Portal being an extremely popular game franchise, you will find many people who straight up do not get the characters in there. This especially happens with Wheatley, and everyday I am forced to see a take that completely misses his character and it makes me want to eat drywall. And the thing is, his whole deal Isn't even that hard to grasp. He's supposed to represent how greed and power can get to your head despite having genuinely good intentions [Where have I seen this before?], and how it can especially get out of control if you are a fucking moron like he is. And yet, despite all this, he gets the woobification curse. Aside from this, people love to forget that he is extremely mean and I'd go as far to call him a massive shitcunt at times. Wheatley did everything wrong. (I still love him though)
